TRR: Boy Scout Nintendo Reminds Shareholders It Didn’t Make Pokémon Go; Apparently Hates Money

Never one to enjoy a healthy profit margin for long, Nintendo today issued a statement to stockholders reminding the morons that they did not create the hit mobile application Pokémon Go. The result of reminding the powers that be was, of course, that their $3 billion value lead over previous industry leader Sony evaporated in an instant.

“Good ol’ Nintendo, you can always rely on them to shoot themselves in the foot,” said Sony head Kaz Hirai while waving a pair of PlayStation Move controllers and wearing a silly VR headset. “Feels good to be back on top.”

“It just made us feel guilty, y’know? Profiting off of another company’s hard work like that. Nintendo doesn’t condone exploiting the labor of others, even if it’s in the event of a misconception such as this,” new Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said while hastily filing reports from the FoxxConn labor-exploiting factory in China, where nearly all of Japan and America’s consumer electronics are manufactured.

“We’d rather earn that top spot the old fashioned way: through hard work and determination. Didn’t you see Miyamoto’s lemonade stand when you walked in? That’s part of our three-point plan to keep Nintendo afloat until the next Zelda game saves us all from certain doom.”

When asked what the other two points in the plan were, considering that their current home console has only one release due for the next eight months, the Nintendo president proudly shouted, “The new Nintendo 3DS! And, uh…” before receding quietly, thinking for a moment, and suddenly remembering, “oh, oh yeah! The NES Classic Edition! That should net us profits in the hundreds of dollars!”

He finished his interview with our reporters by saying, “We’re doing fine, why do you ask?” while a loose board from the ceiling behind him fell to the tile-missing floor below.