Nintendo Announces Successful Wii U Games Will Move to 3DS In Hopes That People Will Just Forget Wii U Ever Happened

In yesterday morning’s Nintendo Direct, the first one in several months, Nintendo of America head Reggie Fils-Aime revealed that several more hit hit titles from their home console would be getting portable ports in the near future. The new lineup includes Super Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, and even a new take on the previously console-only Pikmin series.

When asked why several of the best selling Wii U titles were being made into portable versions, Reggie simply asked, “What’s a Wii U?” and continued his search for Bill Trinen, who had recently disappeared alongside Reggie’s supply of donuts.

The newest old games to be gimped and shuffled off to the more successful handheld hardware include Super Mario Maker, which is now missing its most-loved feature: the ability to play Ross O’Donovan’s levels from the internet; and Yoshi’s Woolly World, whose bright and colorful HD yarn and cloth realism has now been squished down into an incredibly pixelated low resolution that defeats the graphical draw of the game entirely.

The 3DS version of Yoshi’s Woolly World will also likely run at 30fps, which led to incredibly frustrating mechanic problems in the last Yoshi game, Yoshi’s New Island, which itself was a cheap attempt to cash in on a more successful title on a more successful console.

“Let’s keep this on the down-low,” one employee told our reporter, “but I hear Splatoon is the next game to get the ol’ choppin’ block. But who cares if they’re watered down, right? Nintendo fans will buy the same game thirty times anyway.”

When we followed up we discovered that the 3DS version of Splatoon will be missing its online play entirely and focus on local multiplayer. It will retain the much beloved frustrating gyro controls, where they will compliment the 3D functionality in inducing massive headaches. Expect an official announcement soon.